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Holy Marijuana and Revelations

 

 

by Tarjei Straume

 

I was driving in Las Vegas or Phoenix one day in 1978 when I see this weird bumper sticker that reads: "Uncle Sam and the Lord", and my girlfriend says "Yuck, that's sick", and I say, "No wow that's great!" A few months later, some Mormon girl the size of an elephant had a biiiig crush on me in Phoenix and she took me to the Mormon temple and I read and heard everything about this Joseph Smith and his revelation and the golden Egyptian tablets that he translated into Elisabethan English with a little help from Shakespeare I guess, and there were so many revelations and religions in America it freaked me out and I had to have one too - a revelation of my very own. And my name was Taz, because Tarjei is a little challenging in English-speaking countries, so Uncle Taz became my alter-ego, an elf of sorts, Uncle Sam's cousin in fact and a member of the board of planetary uncles and everything.

 

You don't have to read this if it's boring, you see it involves some rhymes hymns psalms songs or poems or whatever you call them. Just two of the latter, promise. So if you're a rabid angry hippie-hater spitting and foaming and vomiting at your monitor, please ignore my posts and I'll ignore yours and we'll leave each other alone. But if you've been smoking a little good stuff tonight or today (I'm on the other side of the ocean remember), you just gotta read this, because I'm going to tell you about some divine marijuana straight from Constellation Headquarters in Heaven that was brought to the prophet Uncle Taz by the archangel Starfinder after Uncle Sam shot him off his cloud with a military jet. It was an accident, but Sammy was in trouble and his rival Uncle Taz got the unauthorized underground religious revelation from Starfinder, wrote The Book of Taz, and founded the cult of Tazism. Later on, Tarjei Straume became Pastor T. Straume of Futurum Congregation.

 

Well now where was I? Yes, Phoenix and the Mormons. I didn't go for the Mormon trip, but I thought it was funny and the Mormons were charming with their backpacks and black shoes and white shirts coming door to door with the Bible and the Book of Mormon in their hands. And at the same time, there was a big evangelical revival going on at work. We were selling water conditioners and they were selling Jesus too, and we did the allegiance to the flag at work listening to Zieg Ziegler and it was Uncle Sam and the Lord all the way - Sammy and Jesus. And some of them were smoking pot, but they did not belong the born-again crowd, but to the latter's target. I tried to negotiate between them, compromise, because it was getting out of hand for the company owner, who was a fundy Zieglerite and didn't want all that pot and all that Jesus floating around. Wow, what a trip, there I was an illegal alien going to church and reading the Bible and smoking pot and selling water conditioners and greeting the American flag and dreaming about getting rich on Zieg Ziegler. Yes, I did it all.

 

Well, it just so happened that a good friend of mine at that time his name was Paul, and he was a very eager evangelical fundy - was sent up to Salt Lake City by the boss to set up an office there. He called me from Salt Lake, and I laughed my head off. Imagine, there Paul was running around in Utah trying to recruit evangelicals, and everyone he met was a stubborn Mormon. This was why I wrote the following story:

 

The Epic of Paul in Mormon Land

 

Paul went up to Mormon Land

to do business there with Mormon man;

But when shaking every Mormon hand,

he knew he was no Mormon fan.

 

And all those folks in Mormon Land

ran around in Utah's Mormon sand

in Mormon clothes and Mormon tan

saying, "Paul won't take a Mormon stand!"

 

One day a clever Mormon clan

worked out a crafty Mormon plan:

Next morning, this whole Mormon band

pulled up to Paul in their Mormon van!

 

They said, "You're an anti-Mormon man,

and your name is under Mormon ban!"

Paul said, "Listen, you morons of Mormon brand:

Jesus was never a Mormon fan!"

 

But then the startled Mormons ran

like only startled Mormons can

across the desert's Mormon sand

in Mormon clothes and Mormon tan!

 

Now Paul is back from Mormon Land,

the Mormon clan and the Mormon band.

When they came back, his truck outran

those Mormons in that Mormon van!

 

Well now, I'll get to my own revelation and all that. The desert is so beautiful at night and it's perfect for a flashy revelation. And does anybody else remember that TV commercial for kosher hot dogs with Uncle Sam in it? Anyway, here's the intro to the Book of Taz:

 

THE EPIC OF UNCLE TAZ, UNCLE SAM, AND THE LORD

 

An angel of God with a fractured wing

was seen by a pay phone one morning in spring.

He was dialing Uncle Sam collect

saying, "Nobody here has got any respect!!

One of your jets from some Air Force Base

knocked me right off my cloud, and I fell on my face!"

 

Uncle Sam, who was busy with a rehearsal

for that season's kosher hot dog commercial,

realized his job and prestige was in trouble

and that something had to be done on the double.

 

He said, "Good you decided to give me a ring,

'cause you can't fly to God with that injured wing

But right now I'm too busy making some green,

so IN GOD WE TRUST can be clearly seen.

Go look up my cousin Uncle Taz,

who is looking for angels and all that jazz,

But don't have my job taken away

unless God's Chosen Country be led astray."

 

So the angel of God went about to see

where this Uncle Taz might possibly be.

He found him deep in the desert at last,

and just like the prophets he'd been on a fast.

 

When Taz saw the angel of God come walking,

he gave him a beer and engaged in talking.

He said, "Miller, Michelob, Bud or Coors

Drink it Lite or make it yours!

However ridiculous this may sound,

I've been waiting for you and looking around.

The times are rough, and everyone waits

for a prophet in the United States,

But before I can publish my visualization,

I need some authorized high inspiration."

 

The angel of God just lit up a joint

and thoughtfully answered, "You've got a good point -

But before you can dish out a new Holy Book,

we'll have to make sure that you're not just a crook!

Besides, how can you expect us to tell

whether or not you're a spy outa Hell?"

 

So Taz was brought to Intelligence Quarters

(up on the beach by the Holy Waters).

They scanned the computer and named him Saint

a title most proper and fitting and quaint.

 

Uncle Taz was a frivolous elf on the level

Son of the famous Tazmanian Devil!

He left his home for a better scam:

To join the league of his cousin Sam.

 

So The Book of Taz was written and sent

to sages all over the continent

A journey to Infinity

to establish this curious trinity

with due respect and in proper accord:

Uncle Taz, Uncle Sam, and (of course) the Lord!

 

The only difference between me and Joseph Smith is that I don't have my own state yet because Sammy won't give me one. I do have a little budding congregation (see below), although nothing in my collection hat yet:

 

 

You see, Starfinder (the angel in the story, in fact an archangel) had to light up his special heavenly weed in order for his wing to heal after that terrible accident with Sammy's jet. And Uncle Taz was around to share it. He stopped a Coors truck on the highway and got a case, so they got sort of high together. And when Starfinder heard about Uncle Taz' religious ambitions, he gave him that unauthorized revelation, and that's how the Book of Taz came to be written.

 

You dig?

 

Sincerely,

 

His Holiness

pastor T. Straume

Futurum Congregation

(The Little Light)


Too much of Tarjei Straume's bio can be seen at his website: http://uncletaz.com/