Dateline: Bellaire, California U.S.A. November 6, 2008.
Marco Abdul Schwartz has bound from relative obscurity just 15 months ago to become a leading Presidential Candidate from the independent party La Sprachgefühl, which means whatever is intuitively linguistically appropriate. The Southern Cross Review sat down with Marco in his Bellaire, California townhouse overlooking the vast Pacific Ocean for this interview to discuss why his ideas have caught the American people’s imagination so forcibly in these past few months and what his presidency might look like if elected this fall.
Question: your economic platform is under heavy attack from both conservatives and liberals alike. Yet in recent polls the American people favor your economic plan by a margin of 73% to 22%. Can you explain why giving every American citizen a gold MasterCard with an unlimited credit limit is sound economic policy?
Marco: Well it is not just for American citizens, I plan on giving a MasterCard to all people who hold green cards as well. Look the idea came to me in a dream. The American underclass, and by underclass I mean anyone who is not worth at least a million dollars, spends a great deal of time worrying about finances. Mortgages, medical expense, cars, boats, and the price of gasoline - all these things are holding their creative abilities down. Necessity is the mother of invention, but most people do not have the skills to make enough money to leave financial burdens behind and so they are caught in a vicious cycle of working 40 or 50 hours a week and then pay as many bills as they possibly can. By giving them a gold MasterCard with an unlimited credit limit we can free their creative juices and allow their natural talents to come to the front.
Question: but what about inflation?
Marco: inflation only develops if the wealth of a country is related to its currency. The dollar is a faith-based instrument. It says “I promise to pay” sometime in the future. The dollar is a credit card. Right now the U.S. has promised to pay China some 30 billion for outstanding loans. Why not extend that same amount of credit to our citizens and see what they can do with it.
Question: but if everyone in America has enough credit extended to them to purchase the goods and services they need and want, why would they work?
Marco: because if they don’t work the goods and services they want and need will not be available to them. Work is the true equity in Capitalism.
Question: but some people will take advantage of the new economic system and simply not work.
Marco: yes that is true, but some people choose not to work now. And this new paradigm will force wages up because labor will once again be sold at a premium. Under my economic system the tide raises all boats. Laborers who now hold the bottom rung in society will soon have enough capital to purchase the goods and services they want and need without using credit cards, whereas wealthy citizens who trade on their paper wealth will find a need to do honest work. Under my system Paris Hilton will probably be working at a Burger King! Oh, and air transportation will be free for nudists.
Question:Well, mostly because I'm a nudist. You should try it some time. You have no idea--
Question: Er...let’s change subjects for a moment. Under you platform you promise to create a national religion. Please explain how this would work.
Marco: Yes. The national religion in American and the Formosa Islands will be called, “Wapokina” and will be a faithless practice with no churches or mosques or synagogues. No prayer books, no pews, no hymn books or bibles. In fact the number one rule of Wapokina is that there is no written word. No lines scratched out on ancient parchment to give cause for another war with some other religion. Believers need not pray or worship Wapokina in any way. In fact anyone caught practicing Wapokina will automatically be arrested for heresy. The only condition for inclusion in Wapokina is that once a year, at night during the course of a full moon, each adult in the U.S. must climb the highest point in their community, drop their pants and bend over and shoot the moon back to the universe. This practice will be called “Clingling” and is the most sacred rite in Wapokina. Young people, not yet old enough to perform Clingling, may practice this most honorable skill by driving around the town square, in front of their police department or city council or magistrate’s office and shoot the moon from the passenger’s side window. After which time they should make love in the nearest city park or cheap motel. Anyone caught practicing Wapokina with their pants on, will be shot.
Question: but the Constitution of the United States clearly states that “Congress shall make no laws establishing religion.”
Marco: yes that is quite true. But we have evolved. Thanks to leaders like President George Bush, we have found that the Constitution is a most pliable thing and can be twisted into any form we like. Habeas Corpus, forget about it. It is leaders like Bush that got me to thinking that the old ways worked very well for Ivy League aristocrats and educated policy woks, but failed so miserably for the people they were ordained to govern. Changes have to be made if we are to survive to the 22nd century. Creating an established religion is just the first change for our malleable Constitution. For instance we need a national press to help foster contentment among the masses. I propose that Fox News become that arm of the federal government. All news outlets, other than Fox News, will be banned. Fox will publish a daily national newsletter explaining to the people that all is well and that our new administration is in complete control of the world, indeed of the planet earth. Bill O’Riley will become our new “General of Information” and will be seen on public television 24 hours a day. This is the kind of forward thinking that has been complacent in America these past 50 years.
Question: but to amend the Constitution takes a two third majority in both houses.
Marcos: forget about it. We will evoke the Bush Doctrine.
Question: I see. With regard to foreign policy, are we to understand that you plan to declare war on Mexico?
Marco: you see this is exactly why we need a national press controlled by me. It would be absurd to go to war with Mexico. What good would it do? The Mexican people would just move south to Honduras or Guatemala. No, what we need is a war with all of South America. 32 nukes, placed in strategic areas would reduce the populations of the major countries to our south thereby killing enough people to allow the survivors to find jobs in their own countries. There is a secondary benefit to my plan, the fallout from the nukes would drift slowly up the west coast of the United States and make California uninhabitable for the next century, eliminating this pinko, liberal establishment. Of course I will have to move, but I am ready to sacrifice for my country.
Question: and what about this new form of marriage, I believe you call it “Pluralsexism.”
Marcos: yes it is my favorite part of the new paradigm. All women between the ages of 20-30 must marry a man who is 55 years old or older. At the age of thirty-two, women are given an automatic divorce, sanctioned by Wapokina, and free to marry whomever she likes, as long as she sings the Tammy Wynette song “D-I-V-O-R-C-E,” under a full moon, at the highest point in town, with her pants down.
Question: but how is this policy fair to young women or even to the young men who have no one of their age group to marry?
Marcos: I believe if you study the problem you will find Pluralsexism is a much better economic way of developing harmony in a pluralistic society. Older men want younger women and have the resources necessary to provide for them. Younger women need economic stability to provide for the children they will bear. Younger men need to focus less on sex and more time on obtaining wealth while still young. And older women become more attractive to younger men when the young men realize that the older women are available to them. It’s the “Girls all get Prettier at Closing Time” syndrome. Pluralsexism may not be nature’s way, but by god, it is the American way.
Question: well sir I can see our time is nearly up. Bill O’Riley is in the next room screaming at Mike Wallace to get back into the line of people who are here to interview you. I wish he would put away that gun. What is the one thing that the American people should know about how our country would change under a Marcos administration?
Marcos: They should know that I have taken away all their fears. They need not fear illegal immigration; our war policy will take care of that. They should not fear being poor; our gold MasterCard program will take care of that. They should not fear laws and the Constitution; the Bush Doctrine will take care of that little nescience. They should never fear growing old alone or being horny; Pluralsexism will take care of that. And finally they should have no fear of guilt; Wapokina allows no shame to fall upon you. Remember America, what you hear or read on Fox News are the best lies we could come up with and that should be good enough for you. And if you think my policies are a bit over the top, remember “Over-the-topness in defense of freedom is a virtue”, or something like that.
For the Southern Cross Review, I am Michelle Ingles, Mike for short, your revolving Presidential news thumper.
Marco and Michelle during interview