Parallel IMF Universes
by Francis ArrowSmith
Time: May, 2011
Pieremot lies naked on the king-sized bed in Manhat-tan's Luxury-Pus Hotel with a king-size erection. He gazes at it with admiration. After all, at 62 very few men had such spontaneous ones. He glances at his Blackberry: twelve noon, he has an hour before checking out and going to KFJ Intercosmos Airport for the Air FrenchFry flight to Sirap. Pierquet is the DirecDG of the FMI – Filthy Monitoring Fund – and as such one of the most powerful men in the Parallel Universe. His roadmap also includes the presidency of FrenchKissistan...but not until next year. He thinks of the meeting he is to have with the Queen of Germany, the ex-unisex world wrestling champion, and his erection wilts.
There is a knock on the door in the living room but, always assassination-conscious, Pierremot does not answer. A key, the door opens, ah yes, it must be the chambermaid. Well, let her come in and feast her eyes. The erection grows again and now looks like a model Eiffel Tower.
She enters, “Aha,” thinks Pierremot, “an Africano-Americana.” But instead of Good morning sir she says Bon jour monsieur, which means she is either FrenchKissistanian or Africano. She is staring at his pretzel and finally says, in FrenchKissistanian, “How many ways do you have here in Americo to make the love?”
Pierremot knows the joke already, but goes along: “One”
“Only one? In FrenchKissistan we have seventy-one. Which is the one you practice?”
He chuckles. “You know, the man on top, the woman on bottom.”
“Sacre bleu,” she shouts, “seventy-two,” and launches her lithe brown body onto his like a rocket. She had already shed her clothes while telling the joke.
During the next half-hour she shows him the other seventy-one ways of doing it. Then she shoves him off the bed like a wet noodle, dresses, changes the sheets and rejoins her cart in the hall.
Pierremot is shocked, in a dither in fact. He does not want her to get away with sexual assault, but he is also afraid for his reputation, which is, to tell the truth, somewhat spotty already. Nevertheless, he decides for justice. He dons the hotel bathrobe and heads for the elevators with the robe open and his dick hanging exhausted and rubbery red in plain view. Evidence, he thinks.
“Where you from, sir?” Detective O'Bama asks him in the interrogation room of the 69th Precinct, Manhat-tan.
“FenchKissistan.” Pierremot answers. “I am the DirecDG of the FMI and my office is in Washing-tan.”
Detective Schwarz enters. “Da chambermaid's from Guinea,” he informs his colleague. “She don't speak much Amerikano.”
“O yeah?” O'Bama says, “What's she speak, Italiano?”
“Nah, FrenchKissistanian, according to her.”
“Dat's bullshit, Schwarz,” O'Bama says. “Guineas is Italians, so dey speaka da Italiano.”
Schwarz shrugs. “Whatever.” He looks at Pierremot, still in his bathrobe, in disgust. “Well you see, Monshur, nobody'd believe your story, that you was sexually assaulted by that nice Eyetalian goil...”
“She's not Italian,” Pierremot insists, “she's from FrenchKissistan, or an Africano colony of FrenchKissistan!”
“Whatever,” Detective Schwarz replies. “And everyone, including us, will believe her, who says you assaulted her. So it looks like you gonna do some serious jail time, monshure.”
So Director Strauss-Kahn is rotting away in a jail in the USA and Director Pierremot is parallelly rotting away in a jail in the USA2. The woman involved in both universes has written a bestselling book in FrenchKissistanian and Amerikano, respectively, which has been translated into many languages, including Eye-talian and Old-Brooklynese.
Strauss-Kahn has been released, the case against him "collapsed". But Pierremot is still incarcerated. This is unusual - no, impossible! Events in parallel universes must occur simultaneously. Wait! There is more: the euro "collapsed" - but the dollar is still king in both universes. Wheh!