7119

Why The Chicken Crossed the Road

(Courtesy of Gustave Rabson, Valdemar Setzer, et al)

Plato

For the greater good.

Karl Marx

It was a historical inevitability.

Machiavelli

So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a chicken which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road, but also with fear, for whom among them has the strength to contend with such a paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is the princely chicken's dominion maintained.

Hippocrates

Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in its pancreas.

Jacques Derrida

Any number of contending discourses may be discovered within the act of the chicken crossing the road, and each interpretation is equally valid as the authorial intent can never be discerned, because structuralism is dead.

Noam Chomsky

The chicken didn't exactly cross the road. As of 1994, something like 99.8% of all US chickens reaching maturity that year had spent 82% of their lives in confinement. The living conditions in most chicken coops break every international law ever written, and some, particularly the ones for chickens bound for slaughter, border on inhumane. My point is, they had no chance to cross the road (unless you count the ride to the supermarket). Even if one or two have crossed roads for whatever reason, most never get a chance. Of course, this is not what we are told. Instead, we see chickens happily dancing around on Sesame Street and Foster Farms commercials where chickens are not only crossing roads, but driving trucks (incidentally, Foster Farms is owned by the same people who own the Foster Freeze chain, a subsidiary of the dairy industry). Anyway, ... (Chomsky continues for 32 pages. For the full text of his answer, contact Odonian Press)

Thomas de Torquemada

Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.

Timothy Leary

Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take.

Douglas Adams

Forty-two.

Nietzsche

Because if you gaze too long across the road, the road gazes also across you.

Oliver North

National Security was at stake.

B.F. Skinner

Because the external influences which had pervaded its sensorium from birth had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its own free will.

Carl Jung

The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and therefore synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.

Jean-Paul Sartre

In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.

Ludwig Wittgenstein

The possibility of crossing was encoded into the objects chicken and road, and circumstances came into being which caused the actualization of this potential occurrence.

Albert Einstein

Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

Aristotle

To actualize its potential.

Buddha

If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-nature.

Howard Cosell

It may very well have been one of the most astonishing events to grace the annals of history. An historic, unprecedented avian biped with the temerity to attempt such an herculean achievement formerly relegated to homo sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurrence.

Salvador Dali

The Fish.

Darwin

It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.

Emily Dickinson

Because it could not stop for death.

Epicurus

For fun.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.

Goethe

The eternal hen-principle made it do it.

Ernest Hemingway

To die. In the rain.

Werner Heisenberg

We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, butit was moving very fast.

David Hume

Out of custom and habit.

Saddam Hussein

This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

Jack Nicholson

Cause it fucking wanted to.

Pyrrho the Skeptic

What road?

Ronald Reagan

I forget.

Henry David Thoreau

To live deliberately ... and suck all the marrow out of life.

Mark Twain

The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.

Katherine McKinnon

Because, in this patriarchial state, for the last four centuries, men have applied their principles of justice in determining how chickens should be cared for, their language has demeaned the identity of the chicken, their technonogy and trucks have decided how and where chickens will be distributed, their science has become the basis for what chickens eat, their sense of humor has provided the framework for this joke, their art and film have given us our perception of chicken life, their lust for flesh has made the chicken the most consumed animal in the US, and their legal system has left the chicken with no other recourse.

Stephen Jay Gould

It is possible that there is a sociobiological explanation for it, but we have been deluged in recent years with sociobiological stories despite the fact that we have little direct evidence about the genetics of behavior, and we do not know how to obtain it for the specific behaviors that figure most prominently in sociobiological speculation.

Joseph Stalin

I don't care. Catch it. I need its eggs to make my omlette.

Malcom X

It was coming home to roost.

Fernando Henrique Cardoso (by VWS)

Because it was going to be privatized

Paulo Maluf (by VWS)

It was my gift to a neighbor who promised to vote for me.


Courtesy of Andreas Heertsch

Sigmund Freund

To maximize the libido.

Georg Friedrich Hegel

Thesis: to be on this side. Antithesis: to be on the other side. Synthesis: cross the road.

Gottlieb Fichte

It's the only action a chicken can do to become aware of itself.

Rudolf Steiner

It was crossing the threshold.

Richard von Weizsäcker

As a middleuropean chicken it fulfills its challenge: connect east and west.

Michail Gorbatchov

Glasnost: Everyone can see, the chicken does not follow the mainstream (as usual traffic does) but crosses(!) the road.

Boris Yeltsin

Unfortunately he is too drunken, so he dreaming of roasted chicken.
 
Courtesy of FTS:
Machinea (Argentine Finance minister):
Because the malditos Brazilians lured him across.
Pedro Malan (Brazilian Finance Minister):
Because corn is too expensive in Argentina - in dollars or pesos
Fidel Castro:
He's was an idiot! My sources inform me that he's already a chickenburger in McDonald's, Miami.
Scarlett O'Hara:
If y'all couldn't keep him, honey, don't blame me.
Tommy Lee Jones:
Don't worry, I'll get 'im back - quick, dead or alive!
Bishop Berkley:
The question is irrelevant. It crossed the road to the other side and is no longer visible, therefore doesn't exist.
Sorel Kierkegaard:
It was faced with an either/or decision: to stay on this side and despair, eventually commit suicide, or cross over to where there is at least hope, as any thinking chicken would do.
Emmanuel Kant:
We cannot know whether the chicken "an sich" crossed the road or not. It only appears to be so.
Donald McDonald:
To jump into the frying pan and become a Big Chicken Mac. PS: Our branch in Havana is opening SOON!


fts@SouthernCrossReview.org

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